“Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.”
– Carl Sagan
For the past 8 months I have been intensively developing my first documentary, not short, neither long, but 42 minutes forever-long. It is immense work. I did it, due to the lack of funds, almost all by myself. My partner was in charge of the sound editing. Video editing and the concept nearly brought me to the point of giving it up, giving it up and a few more times. I would leave it be for a while, get back onto it until I decided to fully focus on it I couldn’t have imagined it finalised.
As such, the idea being developed follow certain laws in which we are in charge more or less, more less, but we learn how to collaborate within this process. I am today especially interested in the limbo, the time-space quantum energy potential that’s hanging above; we can feel it though it is not yet manifesting its material form. It can feel like burnout, over-exhaustion, boredom, giving up, not being good enough, all wrong and more. It has many names but one feeling – not good enough. For me, this could be the most demanding part of the process because I feel like burning all the stuff I created and moving into the forest. I still wish that occasionally though the feeling that my idea is not collaborating with me or my creative muses, does make me want to start another project and forget this one.
Photo: Ivana Filip, 2021
Just start a new one, jump to a new idea, go go go, says the evil little imposter voice in my head, but I stand still, I go for a walk, I let it speak, and then, I say – thank you, but that will be enough. Your time is up and it is good to talk with someone who has no idea of what I am working with here! Nothing new from you as you are just repeating it all over again! Nothing new here my dear fear! Please have a break and give me one too. Let’s meet tomorrow at the same time and wherever you find me. I know you will. You always do! Ciao! I have some work to do here. My idea, my creative work, my Elf (how I name my creative smart helper) and my whole being, we are going to have a meeting. Some more will join us, known and less known beings though you are now welcome.
And off I go, I drink a glass of water, prepare my stuff and continue. It is not important to start where you left off, it is important to start. Every day is a new day and sometimes it will not make sense with the work from yesterday and it shouldn’t as a rule. Your idea is evolving and you are too; high jumping into those beautiful creative clouds of quantum stores means that things can seem weird and disconnected, but they are not. That is what produces sparks of freshness and quirkiness. That is what makes us go AAAAAAA-HAAAAAAA when we watch your film, painting, drawing or else. That is a creative network of unimaginable everyday small things. You do not have to be a painter or a dancer, you can do it daily when cleaning your dishes or washing your hair. It is a deep connection within yourself and within the time-space, you live in. It is a pure nanosecond of awareness that this moment, this very nano moment of life, is pure potential. Feel it. Smell it, touch it with your body and fingers, taste it in your mouth, hear it!
It is in the moment when I smell the dusty hair of my cat,
It is when I get into the meditation listening to my fridge sound,
It is a sweet taste of a strawberry,
Or sweetness of the bread,
The clean taste of water.
It is one short moment,
But I pile them throughout a day,
And it seems,
I am getting better at it.
Every day counts!
Love and thanks,